The Penis Keeps The Score: 12 Keys To Overcome Erectile Dysfunction and Premature Ejaculation

I am in utter awe at the innate wisdom of men's genitals and noticeably, the Penis never lies! Its state of arousal, how it feels to a man, its shape and strength even, perfectly reflects a man’s state of mind, heart and physical health.

Penis Wisdom. I coach men to develop a glorious relationship with their penis, learn its language and marvel at its innate intelligence. Erectile dysfunction/ED (difficulty having or maintaining an erection) and premature ejaculation/PE (anytime a man loses control of his turn-on and ejaculates sooner than he’d like whether it’s in a couple of minutes or… a couple of hours. It’s not the length of time he lasts but the uncontrollable point of ejaculation that makes a man premature ejaculator) are simply intelligent penis expressions of a man’s state of mind, emotional heart and health. That is Penis Wisdom! which I define as an embodied expression of a man’s sexual reality in the present moment. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of! Rather, I invite you, gentlemen, to meet your penis and yourself with love and compassion for what he/you may be going through and hold space to understand what’s happening and devise an integrated plan of action to better your sexuality.

Medication is NOT the answer. It doesn’t address the root cause and negates the intelligent voice of your penis. ED and PE are different issues but they often have similar root causes and both can COMPLETELY be remediated naturally and holistically. Trust me on that!

Our relationship with our sexuality and our genitals is a mirror of the relationship we have with ourselves, with our own body and our mind, at a subconscious level. I have found that all men with ED, PE, and fertility issues are in some way or another disconnected from their penis, do not control or understand their sexual energy or have sub-conscious blockages or limitations around sexuality, love and relationships.

THE PENIS KEEPS THE SCORE: it presents you with your truth of the moment, and the collection of your history.

In my Tantric and Holistic Coaching Practice I use 12 Keys to help men establish a Sexual Self-Care Practice to successfully reclaim their sexual power and have better sex. Very few people ever do anything about their sexuality their entire lives. Very few people ever question what they have learned from society or porn about sex and take conscious action to learn and do anything different. And so underneath sexual performance issues is a laundry list of unconscious behavioral patterns, beliefs, disembodiment leading to these sexual issues.

But if you start to care about your sexuality the same way you care for your fitness, diet, and career, then things begin to change. Establishing a conscious sexual self-pleasure practice is a great place to start to practice different tools to experience and train yourself to experience your sexuality differently. This practice is for yourself, to develop a glorious relationship with your genitals and all that you learn in your training and practice will profoundly shift the experience you have when you’re sexual with someone else leading to better sex and more connected love and relationships.

The 12 Keys of a Sexual Self-Care Practice to Overcome ED and PE and have better sex.

Key #1: Mindset

Mindset can impair a man’s sexual performance if his belief system conflicts with his body’s inner truth. People can have a sexual mindset that is deeply controlled by culture, religion, limiting beliefs or ideas around sexuality, judgements, negative self-talk or ideas of how sex is or isn’t “supposed” to be.

If you hate your body, if you think certain sexual practices are dirty or taboo, or that the whole point of sex is having as many orgasms (and that stresses her out), that if you do step A and B you get result C, then you’re limiting yourself, disconnecting yourself from your body’s true sexual nature, and dis-empowering yourself sexually which may lead to a soft penis and a quick finish.

Instead, working on establishing a healthy and empowering mindset that supports vibrant sexual function and better sex is the work. If you think “Sex is Art”, if you get off the goal-oriented mindset and instead choose the mindset “everything I feel is ok, let’s be present and explore intuitively”, you’ll get a lot farther in remediating ED/PE than if you think “I’m fat, I’m old and sex is dirty”…

Key#2 Intention

How you show up in sex is everything. So If your intention is to get off it will lead to a certain type of sex. If your goal is to feel worthy and loved, it will lead to another type of encounter. I noticed in my work that men with erection/ejaculation issues get a huge weight off their shoulders by setting an intention that supports their sexual goal of lasting longer. It’s very powerful in framing the sexual experience and increasing self-confidence and trust in your abilities and the sexual act.

A big part of having better sex is to have an intention to have better sex. Setting an intention for instance to last longer and extending your pleasure over and over again can become a powerful North Star at the onset of sex.

Likewise, and especially with sexual dysfuntion, men need to be intentional about fantasies which may distract them away from feeling themselves. For instance, be intentional about not allowing fantasies that make you feel bad afterwards, but to only have fantasies that make you feel elevated and good about yourself.

Key#3 Focus

Where you put your attention and focus really affects your sexual experience. I spend time understanding what my clients focus on during sex and help them determine whether their focus is on higher vibration things within them, or on things that distract them away from the sexual experience, disconnect them and lower the vibration. This is huge! A big cause of ED and PE is being caught in your head and disconnected from your body.

Are you focused on fantasies, on your to do list, an issue at work, on what your partner’s feeling or thinking about you or are you putting your focus/attention on yourself and your body, on your sensations, on your own love in the present moment? Are you focused on your own flaws or what you can’t do, how your penis isn’t big or thick enough and you don’t measure up to everybody else, or are you focused on how awesome you are, how gorgeous your body is and how good your touch feels? Are you willing to also notice and focus on deeper things like your feelings during sex, or your old shame, discomfort and fears as they appear?

Your erection will show exactly where your focus is. You feel it and your partner, trust me on this, will feel it too. Overcoming ED and PE and better sex in general is tied to where your focus is.

Key#4 Breathwork

How you breathe affects your sexual experience, the state of your erections and your ability to retain ejaculation and modulate the heat of your turn-on. How are you breathing before and during sex? Is your breath shallow or repressed or do you consciously breathe diaphragmically, leveraging the breath to empower strong erections and release nervous tension in your body?

Breathwork is an effective tool to bring a man out of his head and into his body and sexual experience in the here and now.

Breathwork can give you a powerful erection. My clients are able to have natural erections just from doing conscious and pointed breathwork alone, focused on their genitals and pelvic floor, without touch.

Breathwork is also effective to help men control their ejaculation and to be able to expand their pleasure from the localized genital areal to the entirety of their bodies, paving the way for non-ejaculatory, full body orgasms and mutli-orgasmic states.

Key#5 Sound

Sounding is a powerful Tantric tool to connect with our body/mind, release tension and expand pleasure. It’s a powerful tool for men to connect with their primal side and allow themselves to unleash their sexual self-expression. Are you withholding your voice during sex or are you allowing your body to sound authentically? Can you sound everything or only pleasure?

Sound is a wonderful way to connect and express all sensations and emotions and truly be free. Freedom is a big desire for the men I coach and sounding really taps into that primal part of the nervous system men have come to repress in our society and which often have dulled their sexuality.

Feeling safe to voice your emotions freely and completely (grief, anger, shame, guilt, fear) also helps to remove mental and emotional blockages that may cause ED/PE. So, remove your muzzle and roar your authentic voice to experience better connection and intimacy.

Key#6 Movement

Reclaiming sexual power goes hand in hand with freedom of movement. If your body is numb, disconnected, sore, stiff, calcified, tight, or if there’s little circulation, it’ll be difficult to sustain an erection and last as long as you desire. Energetically, a supple and agile body that moves will be more powerful.

When having sex, is your movement authentic and unleashed or repressed? Are you willing to let your body move moment to moment in its primal state, let it shake if it wants to shake, let your tongue hang out and roll your eyes if that’s authentic expression in the moment, and not worry about looking a certain way (like an Alpha male) but be you in the moment, etc. Are you comfortable in your body? Do you move freely? This is huge to liberate sexual energy that supports strong erections, and circulate sexual pleasure up your spine to other body part releasing pressure in the genitals. There’s a spectrum of motion, liberation and emotions that lead to better sexual health.

I teach Tantra Yoga Classes for Men to help them learn how to move intuitively, increase their flexibility, practice breathwork, intention setting and sounding. Take a look into it if interested.

Key#7 Energy

Every man with ED that I worked with had low sexual energy. Some people are judgmental towards energy and don’t believe in it (that’s for crazy people!) and others can be sensitive to it. Yet, if you think about it: we all have experienced states of feeling high energy, revved up, on top of the world elated and states of low energy, tired, dragging our feet. Energy is just that. Energy feels like tingling, buzzing, vibrating, heat rising. Energy is a thing. Think of it as the electricity that powers your body (electricity is a type of energy). So how charged is your penis?

Each body part has an energy associated to it and they all feel a little different: our genitals, solar plexus, heart, third eye, etc. It’s usually a part where we feel things and they happen to be in sync with the main chakras. So a man’s testicles, anus, penis, prostate, kidneys have a particular energy too. It can be strong and powerful or dulled out (when sexual function begins to fail). To recover sexual power it is critical to “energize” the genitals and the pelvic floor. It’s why movement and breathwork are so helpful, because they can help bring awareness to these body parts and support the cultivation of energy there.

In the Tantric (and Daoist) traditions (and in physics!), energy can be transformed and transmuted into other forms of energy. When it comes to sexual energy, it can be transmuted and refined higher in the body and used as a fuel to open up the heart and the third eye to take a person through higher states of consciousness. It can be cultivated to revitalize the entire body and even heal diseases.

When a man uses sex with a high vibration intention of deeper love and self-worth for instance, it changes his sexual performance leading to better sex. Learning to cultivate and transmute sexual energy to serve your health, your relationships and your career can be an aspect of your sexual training if you choose so.

Key#8 Speed

If a man is very habituated with his speed, or unconscious with his speed, it will affect his sexual experience and performance. High speed can cause numbness and disconnect and result in premature ejaculation. Likewise, many men used to self-pleasure to porn have grown insensitive (due to outward attention) and need to stroke themselves harder and faster to feel and get off. They have lost the ability to feel the subtle and get turned-on by subtle sensations. This lack of connection and sensation is one cause for premature ejaculation and for lack of turn on.

Sexual training will aim to recover sensitivity to be able to expand sexual experience. You can have better sex if you are conscious about speed and you are willing to explore speed, to slow way down, even explore stillness and notice the innate intelligence and life in your penis and to eventually let speed be very intuitive and dynamic.

Most men fuck with their brain. But the body is not a sack of meat directed by the brain. Each body part has its own consciousness, and so does a man’s penis. It can do the moving and lead you to stronger natural erections and ever lasting penetration if you get out of your usual and let it intuitively and dynamically make love.

Key#9 Sexual Health

ED and PE can also be good indicators of a man’s general state of health. I like to study blood work, health history, and review medications taken by my clients to see if there is an underlying issue. It may be poor blood circulation, lack of nerves sensitivity, diabetes, heart disease, thyroid disease, obesity, and other general and sexual issues that disconnect a man from his sexual power. The self-care practice will then lay out a plan to recover one’s health alongside sexual training.

Key #10 Hormonal Health

Together with circulation and nerves sensitivity, hormonal balance is the third leg of the sexual health trifecta and it deserves special mention. Hormonal issues can often start occurring as early as their decline begins at 30 years old, but horribly, it’s happening faster and faster. In 2023, men’s testosterone levels are those of a man 65 years old in the year 1980… 50% of the humans in age of reproduction are infertile. In the US, 1 in 2 male has cancer and 1 in 3 women.

In the male sex hormones landscape, testosterone is of particular focus for healthy libido, mental focus, drive, bone strength and muscle mass. But estrogen also plays a critical role in male sexual function. Estradiol in men is essential for modulating libido, erectile function, and spermatogenesis. Estrogen receptors, as well as aromatase, the enzyme that converts testosterone to estrogen, are abundant in brain, penis, and testes, organs important for sexual function.

Where things go wrong is when the proportion, the balance between hormones is disrupted. The issue faced by men now is estrogen dominance and it is driven by diet (low fiber, estrogenic), lifestyle (stress-cortisol) and environmental toxins (xenoestrogens) such as plastics, phalates, atrazin pesticides, etc. that overwhelm the liver who cannot metabolize excess estrogen. Aromatization (process of conversion of testosterone into estrogen) also contributes to estrogen dominance.

Key #11 Sexual Healing

You can be aware of all the keys above, but if there is latent trauma, unintegrated abuse or shutdown, then you may not be able to overcome sexual dysfunction and have the best sex possible. It is my professional experience that men who deal with severe grief, anger, resentment, low self-esteem, fear, guilt, shame that is unresolved will benefit from somatic sexual healing work. Example of such somatic work I’ve guided my clients through is reparenting themselves and healing the father or mother wound, healing abandonment issues, integrating their Inner Child, finding emotional empowerment in the grief, anger, etc., create safety in themselves to be in a successful relationship, etc. Sexual healing helps create love, safety, worthiness, confidence inside ourselves that supports strong and lasting erections. Combined with the first 8 keys and integrated in sexual self-care it works wonders.

Key #12 Sexual Training

Working regularly on the strength and relaxation abilities of the pelvic floor, like testicles massage, penis stretches, pelvic floor muscles isolation and strengthening exercises are some of men’s sexual self-practices that can support a man in retaining his ejaculation and relaxing his groin during love-making, as well as support long lasting erections. Sexual training also increases a man’s penile sensitivity which is essential to overcoming ED and PE and to enjoy better sex.

I hope this extensive blog inspired you to take steps to invest in your sexual self-care. I’d love to hear your feedback in the comments below. Thank you for reading me!

What next? I currently teach weekly live classes on my OnlyFans Tantric Sex Academy Platform touching upon the various keys above and this Saturday will be guiding subscribers through a 60-min Tantric Self-Pleasure Practice which includes breathwork, movement, sounding, pelvic floor strengthening exercises and exploration of self-pleasure with a new explorative mindset.

If one on one coaching is of interest to you but you’re unsure of what coaching together would entail or whether we’d be a fit, you may complete my application form HERE and we could schedule a Zoom Discovery Call to discuss your goals.